The Smallest Thing Known to Man Lyrics

Lorne Elliott
The smallest thing that’s known to man’s a subatomic particle measured scientifically under lab conditions to be ten centimeters taken to the minus thirteenth power
But though this thing is very small, it’s really not that small at all compared to the line that is ever so fine, that separates the hot from the cold on the handle of my shower
But even if you manage to adjust it just exactly like you like it, there are still one hundred thousand different combinations different permutations; things which can and maybe will go wrong
Like when I’m in the shower with the woman that I love, and just at the moment of extreme excitation, some guy in the apartment below turns his dishwasher on.
And the water comes out cold; and my woman goes, “Eek!” and steps on the soap, nearly breaks her neck. As it was she only suffered from some minor scrapes and bruises, because just as she was falling she made a desperate grab for the nearest thing around her so that no fatal harm would occur
Which was fortunate for her, but unfortunate for me, ’cause the thing she made a grab for happened to be something near and dear to both of us, tho’ to be fair, she wasn’t thinking how extremely dear it was to me as how conveniently near it was to her
But it’s an interesting biologic, metabolic, fundamental, scientific not to say a physiological fact
That when subjected to the stimulus of sub-zero h2o, the male private areas have the tendency to rapidly contract.
So this is what they did, and that is why she missed them, made a grab behind them, what it was she finally caught
Was the handle of my shower which she twisted as she fell, past the smallest thing that’s known to man and suddenly the water came out …Hot
And I went, “Eek!” and I fainted unconscious and my woman got me outta there and two weeks later, my poor private areas finally got the courage to emerge tho’ even now they haven’t yet regained their normal size and weight and span
In fact for a while there they had successfully broken all previous world records for the smallest thing that’s known to man.